My way of forgiving myself and love again

After Cori and I had screamed at the ocean, we found a very special and beautiful beach and decided to live there until she would have to leave Greece and head back to Germany.

The weather got a lot brighter and so did my mind. After days of despair and a lot of negative thoughts, swirling around the same again and again, I did finally find some clearness. It’s been like I was able to feel myself again. And through this, I was able to accept myself and gain back my balance. It felt very relieving and enabled me to describe my feelings and what had been spinning inside of my head for days. And finally, I could start to forgive myself and love again.

We spent some wonderful days at this awesome beach. Rosinante parked right on the beach and behind her, a river went by, took a turn along a magical grotto, and finally found the crystal clear water of the ocean.

After we ran out of gas for cooking, we cooked outside on fire and had the most delicious self-made bread and curry of all time. I don’t know if we would have cooked on the fire when we still had gas, but this way it was just perfect. One day, we hiked along the river, that flows into the sea at this magnificent beach. The hike was super nice and beautiful. You can enter it here.

After some days at this paradise, it was time for us to drive back to the airport in Athens and Cori headed back to Germany.

A part of me had wished, that our shared time would have been more harmonious all the time, but more and more I became thankful for this experience and how we lived through it togehter. In the end, we never blamed each other and were always empathic and loveful.

My key learnings:
🤗 Seeing people, I’m interacting with, as training partners really can help me. All of us seem to be training to live all the time and like in every training, things can get wrong even though they are not intended to.
😇 Seeing things that keep my mind spinning as super important and life-threatening/ changing doesn’t help. In the end, almost everything seems to be very less important and big seen from some distance.
💫 Describing my pure and honest feelings to someone else, without intellectually analyzing and reasoning or explaining their origin, helps me a lot. When I’m really out of balance, it helps me when the other person assures me, that my feelings are not wrong.

In the end, it’s all about remembering that I’m perfectly fine the way I am.

There is no love left

At the beginning of May 2022, Cori and I continued our way around the island Evia (aka Euboea) in Greece. We took the route on the west coast and found a wonderful, remote beach to call home for the next few days.

Before we left our last paradise to find this beach, we had a conversation that left me hurt, angry and disillusioned. I had been very confident with myself and felt very clear and loveful about our relationship and how we were together after months of not seeing each other. I felt like I could see and take her as the person she is. For me, it felt more true, deep, and real.

Cori on the other hand, told me, that she was uncertain about topics I was very certain about. At the beginning of our conversation, I managed to perceive her feelings and thoughts as hers and not to take them as mine. I think, I even managed to communicate clearly how I felt and what my perspectives were like.

After we spoke, a deep uncertainty hit me with full force. It felt like I took her uncertainty and blamed her for that. I got mad about her bringing up this conversation, me failing to find a healthy way of dealing with it, and the whole universe for being like it is.

We still had not a bad time. We didn’t fight or argued. But I just felt hurt and wasn’t able to feel what was going on with me. I saw no escape route from a black hole full of whirling emotions I couldn’t accept or communicate understandably. It felt like a part of me wanted to find the cause for my misery in Cori and blame her offensively. But I knew that she wasn’t to blame and that it was just my ego going wild. Honestly, at that time, I felt like there is no love left in me. Neither for Cori, the world nor me.

This state of mind colored everything we did with a dark veil that prevented me from really enjoying and being positive. Even playing mini golf on a self-build course Cori built at the beach, could not lift my mind. I had so many thoughts about uncertainties like I didn’t have for years. I was so desperate that I even tried to break free by listening to crazy shitty 90s songs and singing/ screaming along.

One day, we continued our journey and drove to the end of the world. We screamed against the sea and the wind but even that left my mind, the sea and the wind very unimpressed.

Still, I felt mad, hurt, and desperate.

To be continued…