At the beginning of May 2022, Cori and I continued our way around the island Evia (aka Euboea) in Greece. We took the route on the west coast and found a wonderful, remote beach to call home for the next few days.
Before we left our last paradise to find this beach, we had a conversation that left me hurt, angry and disillusioned. I had been very confident with myself and felt very clear and loveful about our relationship and how we were together after months of not seeing each other. I felt like I could see and take her as the person she is. For me, it felt more true, deep, and real.
Cori on the other hand, told me, that she was uncertain about topics I was very certain about. At the beginning of our conversation, I managed to perceive her feelings and thoughts as hers and not to take them as mine. I think, I even managed to communicate clearly how I felt and what my perspectives were like.
After we spoke, a deep uncertainty hit me with full force. It felt like I took her uncertainty and blamed her for that. I got mad about her bringing up this conversation, me failing to find a healthy way of dealing with it, and the whole universe for being like it is.
We still had not a bad time. We didn’t fight or argued. But I just felt hurt and wasn’t able to feel what was going on with me. I saw no escape route from a black hole full of whirling emotions I couldn’t accept or communicate understandably. It felt like a part of me wanted to find the cause for my misery in Cori and blame her offensively. But I knew that she wasn’t to blame and that it was just my ego going wild. Honestly, at that time, I felt like there is no love left in me. Neither for Cori, the world nor me.
This state of mind colored everything we did with a dark veil that prevented me from really enjoying and being positive. Even playing mini golf on a self-build course Cori built at the beach, could not lift my mind. I had so many thoughts about uncertainties like I didn’t have for years. I was so desperate that I even tried to break free by listening to crazy shitty 90s songs and singing/ screaming along.
One day, we continued our journey and drove to the end of the world. We screamed against the sea and the wind but even that left my mind, the sea and the wind very unimpressed.
Still, I felt mad, hurt, and desperate.
To be continued…