5 weeks, one beach part 2/4: Goodbye drone, goodbye deluge, and will I ever see Artha again? (December 2022)

When I first arrived at the magnificent beach on the Marmaris peninsula, surrounded by nature, I immediately knew it would be my home for a long time. Usually, when I fall in love with a place like this, I stay for one or two weeks, but at this beach, I ended up staying for five weeks. And during the last two weeks, as sometimes happens in life, everything came together and I had a lot to let go of.

After I left Bulgaria, Artha and I remained in close contact. This was different from being together in the same place, but I was fine with it. Even though our connection had changed, I still loved her in many profound ways. I thought about her, us, the time we had spent together, and how we had been together. Part of me craved the continuation of our romantic love, the feeling of being whole again, the deep love, warmth, and connection in all its glory. Another part of me tried to downplay the importance of this “glory of romantic love”. Over the weeks after I had left Bulgaria, I realized how much my romantic ego had influenced me when Artha and I were together in the same place. It felt like I had used her for my own happiness. I didn’t feel regret or guilt, but from a distance, I could see it clearly. And I felt that I wanted to maintain this level of awareness about that.

When Artha and I had seen each other for the last time in Bulgaria, we both had felt and said that we would love to see each other again after her training. But even though I still believe we had meant it at that time, I had the feeling that although we loved each other, we might not meet after her training. Shortly after I arrived at the nice beach in Turkey, Artha finished her yoga teacher training. She told me that she would be going to an ashram in Germany for an undefined period of time as soon as possible. She would stay for a month, or maybe longer than three months. Part of me felt like it had always known that we wouldn’t see each other after her training. I guessed this was a self-protection mechanism, something like keeping expectations low to avoid disappointment if they weren’t met. I would have loved to see and feel her again, but I didn’t feel angry, mad, or sad. I felt okay with how it was. Like back in Varna, I deeply felt what motivated her to go to the ashram, with all my heart and love. I felt reminded of myself when I had left Germany despite the deep love and connection to Cori. And I felt like something was pulling me to stay on the journey I was on and the life I was living. I did not know if I would have returned to Bulgaria if Artha had said she wanted to stay there. A part of me thought about what the next change in the romantic relationship between Artha and I would be, but for the moment, I managed to let go of meeting Artha soon.

Shortly after I arrived at that beautiful beach, my perspective on making music changed. Until a few months ago, I only sporadically produced songs that I would enjoy listening to after some time had passed since their creation. But that changed, and I increasingly loved a lot of the music I made, regardless of how much time had passed since I created it. It felt like I had found the kind of music I wanted to make. And making that music felt mostly easy and smooth. A couple of weeks ago, I had started delving deep into music production courses. I had learned a lot from free YouTube videos and articles before, but now I was working through long courses for hours a day. Furthermore, I thought it would be helpful to become clear about what my music was. I defined my main genre, style and characteristics. In short, the feeling that I had found the type of music I wanted to make, let me feel confident and good about having a structured approach to my music making. I wanted to try making it competitive and thought that this would maybe allow me to earn money from it at some point. But one day right after I finished a song that I felt was my favorite of all time, my whole perspective on making music switched. I felt like now that I had done this song, that I loved so much, I would not be able to make another song that I would love as much as this song. And at the same time, I felt like my creative freedom was gone. Like I was trapped in a cage. I no longer enjoyed making music, and when I tried, I felt that there was nothing inside me that could possibly become music, and it felt impossible to get really into it. It was no longer fun for me. I felt like I couldn’t let go of my anxiety about failing and not living up to my own expectations for my next song. This realization led me to quickly decide to take a break from making music until I could regain a positive and enjoyable feeling about it.

When I had been in Istanbul I had decided to sell my FPV drone. I had stopped using it for months and no longer felt connected to it. Neither the flying, capturing, nor the editing appealed to me anymore. I knew I wouldn’t get a good deal for it, but I didn’t want to carry around something I wasn’t using. All the stuff that I was not using added up to something that felt heavy. While I was at the beach, a nice guy contacted me about buying my drone. We had a nice conversation via text messages and I had a good feeling about the deal. Since he lived far away from my home beach, I proposed that he would pay half the money in advance and the other half after the drone would have arrived. Two Turkish guys I talked to about the deal thought I couldn’t do it that way and said I shouldn’t trust Turkish guys when it comes to money because they would always take advantage if they could. I understood what they were saying but it still felt unfair to me. They didn’t even have a single contact with the buyer. I still had a good feeling about him and even though we had difficulties with transferring the money, he paid everything as we had agreed. So, I let go of my drone.

At the same time, I was also selling my Deluge (a hardware groovebox, sequencer, and synthesizer) that I had once loved to use. However, at some point back in Bulgaria, I had noticed that I had stopped using it. Like with the drone, it didn’t feel good to keep the Deluge when I wasn’t using it anymore. Back in Bulgaria, I had given it to my friend Michele who took it with him to Germany. A nice guy bought it online and picked it up from Michele’s place. And with that, I let go of my Deluge.

To be continued…

Sorry Rosinante, finally a warm Winter, Turkish hospitality, practicing cajon and serious music production (November 2022)

On Uludag mountain, I decided to head south towards the Mediterranean. Back in Bulgaria, the weather had started to get colder and in northern Turkey, the temperature was dropping day by day. I felt that my dream was finally coming true: for the first time in my life, I would have a warm winter!

After descending from the mountain, I made a small detour and visited the manufacturer of the Capra Camper camper cabin. Months ago, I had learned that the frame of my pickup camper, Rosinante, could potentially snap. This idea had never occurred to me before, as I had assumed that the stronger suspension meant that it could carry more weight and withstand heavy use, such as off-roading. However, I had heard of instances where the frames of all types of vehicles, including pickups, jeeps, and trucks, had snapped. For example, the frame of a Spanish couple I had met in Greece recently broke in Georgia. The realization of snapping frames had caused me some concern, but I had managed to let go of a lot of my fears at the time I had been at the Beglika festival. Nonetheless, something was still bothering my mind and I was curious and wanted to see what a smaller cabin would be like. The team at Capra Camper were extremely friendly and we had a great conversation about cabins, off-roading, the van life, Turkey, Germany, and more. They were so kind and gave me some parts I was searching for for free. I had a close look at their cabin and from that point on, I always recommended it to anyone looking for something simple, minimalistic, and lightweight for moderate temperatures at a good price.

But to be honest, from my perspective, the Capra Camper cabin is hardly comparable to the Fernweh-Mobil cabin of Rosinante that I call home. Although both cabins are detachable pickup cabins woth pop-up roofs, they are so different. That showed me once again how incredible Rosinante is in every regard. Since that day, I have met many people with different types of mobile homes: ordinary cars, caravans, jeeps, vans, off-road vans, pickups with other cabins, motorhomes, Landcruisers with pop-up roofs, Defenders with rooftop tents, and off-road trucks. Seeing all these different concepts has only made me love Rosinante even more. It has reassured me that she is perfect for me. Of course, there are things that I need to take care of and changes I would like to make, but overall she is perfect. And if her frame were to snap, I would try to have her fixed. And if that is not possible, I am sure that I would handle it as well.

It’s interesting how a comparison like that can ease my mind and bring me happiness. I mean, in the end, it “doesn’t make sense” to base my confidence and happiness on external factors like this comparison. It can become unstable at any time. But in a way, it feels like that comparison helped me to calm down the part of my mind that was unsatisfied and afraid. It made it possible for me to see things more clearly . Like it lifted a veil of fear and thoughts about a potential future. I think in the end, it helped me to let go.

I rarely drive long distances in a short period of time, but the call of a warm winter was too strong to resist, and so I drove straight to the Mediterranean coast without making any stops. I traveled from Bursa to Bademli and found my first home on the Turkish Mediterranean coast. The next day, I continued further south and on a large sandy beach, I met a wonderful and interesting couple from Germany. We immediately started having engaging and deep conversations. If you’re interested, you can follow them on Instagram.

The next day, I made my way to a beach near Demircili, where I stayed for a couple of days. I enjoyed the warm winter weather, with temperatures around 18 degrees during the day and 12 degrees at night.

Every day, I practiced playing my Cajon, and my playing started to feel natural, flowing, and even a bit groovy at times.

That beach was frequently visited by locals on weekends. They were all so lovely and welcoming. I was invited to a Turkish breakfast and had great conversations with different people. I found it inspiring how open and unafraid these locals were in making connections with others, despite the language barrier. Most of them only spoke Turkish, but that didn’t stop them from reaching out to me and making me feel welcomed. They just did it with ease and it was truly heartwarming.

Hooked by the warm winter, I ventured further south to the peninsula near Marmaris. Many other travelers coming from the east and locals had recommended the area from Bodrum to Antalya, stating that it was one of the most beautiful and warm regions in Turkey. I was excited to explore this area and experience the natural beauty as well as the even warmer temperatures of this region.

The first beach I visited on the peninsula was beautiful, peaceful, and I did some hiking through the hills surrounding it. One day, a German couple arrived at the beach and we had a lot of conversations about various topics. They were considering moving to Hamburg once they returned to Germany. Talking about Hamburg reminded me of the beauty of this city, where I had lived for the past 14 years. It felt good to be able to help them by recommending places to visit and the best spots for car living. One of them was particularly interested in FPV drone flying. Check out his Instagram, his work is incredible and of very high production value.

I took advantage of the Black Friday deals and purchased a large package of music production tutorials and samples. Before that, I had watched free tutorials on YouTube and read free articles from many music production teachers. I was producing music mostly every day for hours and I felt like I wanted to take my music production to the next level. I was curious about how paid courses were structured and what they could offer me. I thought that it might be possible to make money from my music production at some point in the future. I knew that this step and these thoughts could potentially cause some internal conflicts and affect the joy I felt while making music. But I underestimated the impact it would have and soon, it would escalate into something else…