Tag: sunset

5 weeks, one beach part 3/4: Can I trust my pure being and summoning dolphins without thinking about them? (December 2022)

Back in Bulgaria, I had the feeling that analyzing and trying to deeply understand the things that were going on in my mind would no longer be my way. The funny thing is, that about six years ago, I had felt something similar but different. Back then, I had been thinking a lot about things that had been bothering me. It had been like a whirlwind of analytical thoughts, dissatisfaction, and sometimes desperation.

At one point, I realized that there was no need for the strong dissatisfaction and desperation I had been feeling. I understood that I could change my perspective on the things that had been bothering me. This realization came to me as I was reading the book “Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind” by Yuval Noah Harari. In the book, he describes many interesting concepts, but the one that resonated with me the most was his explanation of how humans believe in a lot of things that we just made up, such as money, countries, and companies. These things don’t actually exist, yet most of us believe in them so strongly that they shape and dictate much of our lives. Furthermore, Harari describes how subjective, dynamic, and elusive the human perception of reality can be. I began to think that if I was already believing in so many things that were not real and these beliefs were having such a big impact on me, and if my perception of reality was not solid but could be changed, then I could create new beliefs and change my perspective in a way that would make me feel happier. This had been the starting point for a long process of change. Dissatisfaction and desperation became less and less important. I think that at this point, I had started to actively change my perspective on things by altering my thinking about them. It was a lot of thinking, but it felt good.

Around the same time, I had begun to meditate and study various literature on happiness, mindfulness, Buddhism, philosophy, and psychology. At that time, my primary motivation was to understand how the self within me worked. In retrospect, I realize that I had been approaching this desire on an intellectual level. I had believed that nearly everything could be explained in this way. However, over time, this perspective had begun to shift. My intellectual understanding became more and more supplemented by a deeper level of feelings and beliefs. Despite this, I still had changed the way I saw things by analyzing, understanding, and then altering my perspective.

At some point during my journey, which had begun about a year ago, I had started to feel that analyzing and understanding felt clunky and unnatural. I had realized that I didn’t need to understand everything. However, I was still very much in my thoughts. Then, back in Bulgaria, these active, analytical, and transformative thoughts started to become less important. I feel that the intense time I had spent with Artha, our love, mutual triggering and everything else, had the effect of a catalyst.

I felt that my perspective on my thoughts and the concepts they were following had changed. I got the impression that the relationship between feelings, beliefs, thinking and arising thoughts might be different than what I had believed. From that point on, I felt more open towards myself and started to be more honest with everything that came up inside of me. I felt a different kind of authenticity and naturalness, something I hadn’t experienced before. The feeling reminded me of sayings like “there are no wrong feelings.” I felt liberated from certain boundaries that I had applied to myself in order to be authentic, mindful and spiritual. After Istanbul, I found myself relying on analytical thinking again at times, but mostly I felt like I was starting to welcome all aspects of myself and observe the parts that irritated me. So, I guess that was more observing, welcoming, and letting go than thinking, analyzing, and actively transforming.

At one point on that beach in Turkey, I got the strong impression that I might be able to fully trust what felt like my pure being. By “pure being,” I mean “me” without the arising and commenting thoughts in my mind. In (Zen) Buddhism, there are the terms “small mind” and “big mind.” I read most about them in “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind” by Shunryu Suzuki. It’s a deep topic, but I guess for now, it’s enough to say that the big mind seems to perceive everything as it is, while the small mind (as a part of the big mind) tends to add delusions in the form of stories to everything one perceives. So, with a calm small mind and fewer delusions, one might suffer less in life because one would judge life less in a dualistic way of good and bad. I felt that what I felt like my being was pretty well described as the big mind, and my thoughts as the small mind. I felt like that I might be able to trust my being completely at some point, and I felt like the journey there had already begun.

I continued to attend the Dharma talks of the Bright Way Zen community via Zoom, and I was reading the book “The Unborn – The Life and Teachings of Zen Master Bankei” translated by Norman Waddell. It felt like it came at just the right time and I connected strongly with it. From my understanding, Bankei’s teachings mostly revolve around the belief that one can fully trust in their pure being and that is all that is necessary to not suffer in life because that being will take care of everything that needs to be taken care of. He refers to this being as “the unborn Buddha mind.” My brief descriptions of the “big mind” and “small mind” and this one about the “unborn Buddha mind” are by no means adequate descriptions of the concepts that Suzuki and Bankei are offering, but I think it’s enough for this post. Reading that book and its constant repetition of trusting my being felt relieving, confirming, and very healthy for me. It felt like my belief in my pure being kept growing.

One day, while sitting in Rosinante, I looked at the switch for my charging booster. I had always wanted to drill a hole in the interior of Rosinante to properly install the switch, but I never got around to it because I couldn’t decide on the best way to do it. But on that day, I just did it. Afterwards, I fixed an electrical connection of one of the batteries that I had been meaning to fix for months, but didn’t know how. I also improved the routing of the cable from my power converter through the cabin. These tasks that I had been putting off for so long, ended up taking only a couple of minutes to complete. And after these, I found myself tackling a number of other things that seemed to just appear. I simply did what was next and didn’t give much thought to them. It felt like a chain of flow. I experienced this feeling on several days while I was on that beach.

On another day, I hiked to a small waterfall and meditated at a peaceful creek. On that day, there were even fewer distracting thoughts in my mind, and I felt easy, bright, and light. When I returned to my camper and was reading on the beach, I felt the urge to look out at the sea. I noticed a bird swimming on the waves in the distance and thought it was astonishing that my human visual system could see the bird so clearly from such a distance. I wondered if I could see dolphins, and as if on cue, two dolphin fins appeared not far from the bird. The bodies of the two dolphins partly emerged from the water, one bigger than the other. They dove, reemerged, and disappeared. I laughed wholeheartedly.

Sorry Rosinante, finally a warm Winter, Turkish hospitality, practicing cajon and serious music production (November 2022)

On Uludag mountain, I decided to head south towards the Mediterranean. Back in Bulgaria, the weather had started to get colder and in northern Turkey, the temperature was dropping day by day. I felt that my dream was finally coming true: for the first time in my life, I would have a warm winter!

After descending from the mountain, I made a small detour and visited the manufacturer of the Capra Camper camper cabin. Months ago, I had learned that the frame of my pickup camper, Rosinante, could potentially snap. This idea had never occurred to me before, as I had assumed that the stronger suspension meant that it could carry more weight and withstand heavy use, such as off-roading. However, I had heard of instances where the frames of all types of vehicles, including pickups, jeeps, and trucks, had snapped. For example, the frame of a Spanish couple I had met in Greece recently broke in Georgia. The realization of snapping frames had caused me some concern, but I had managed to let go of a lot of my fears at the time I had been at the Beglika festival. Nonetheless, something was still bothering my mind and I was curious and wanted to see what a smaller cabin would be like. The team at Capra Camper were extremely friendly and we had a great conversation about cabins, off-roading, the van life, Turkey, Germany, and more. They were so kind and gave me some parts I was searching for for free. I had a close look at their cabin and from that point on, I always recommended it to anyone looking for something simple, minimalistic, and lightweight for moderate temperatures at a good price.

But to be honest, from my perspective, the Capra Camper cabin is hardly comparable to the Fernweh-Mobil cabin of Rosinante that I call home. Although both cabins are detachable pickup cabins woth pop-up roofs, they are so different. That showed me once again how incredible Rosinante is in every regard. Since that day, I have met many people with different types of mobile homes: ordinary cars, caravans, jeeps, vans, off-road vans, pickups with other cabins, motorhomes, Landcruisers with pop-up roofs, Defenders with rooftop tents, and off-road trucks. Seeing all these different concepts has only made me love Rosinante even more. It has reassured me that she is perfect for me. Of course, there are things that I need to take care of and changes I would like to make, but overall she is perfect. And if her frame were to snap, I would try to have her fixed. And if that is not possible, I am sure that I would handle it as well.

It’s interesting how a comparison like that can ease my mind and bring me happiness. I mean, in the end, it “doesn’t make sense” to base my confidence and happiness on external factors like this comparison. It can become unstable at any time. But in a way, it feels like that comparison helped me to calm down the part of my mind that was unsatisfied and afraid. It made it possible for me to see things more clearly . Like it lifted a veil of fear and thoughts about a potential future. I think in the end, it helped me to let go.

I rarely drive long distances in a short period of time, but the call of a warm winter was too strong to resist, and so I drove straight to the Mediterranean coast without making any stops. I traveled from Bursa to Bademli and found my first home on the Turkish Mediterranean coast. The next day, I continued further south and on a large sandy beach, I met a wonderful and interesting couple from Germany. We immediately started having engaging and deep conversations. If you’re interested, you can follow them on Instagram.

The next day, I made my way to a beach near Demircili, where I stayed for a couple of days. I enjoyed the warm winter weather, with temperatures around 18 degrees during the day and 12 degrees at night.

Every day, I practiced playing my Cajon, and my playing started to feel natural, flowing, and even a bit groovy at times.

That beach was frequently visited by locals on weekends. They were all so lovely and welcoming. I was invited to a Turkish breakfast and had great conversations with different people. I found it inspiring how open and unafraid these locals were in making connections with others, despite the language barrier. Most of them only spoke Turkish, but that didn’t stop them from reaching out to me and making me feel welcomed. They just did it with ease and it was truly heartwarming.

Hooked by the warm winter, I ventured further south to the peninsula near Marmaris. Many other travelers coming from the east and locals had recommended the area from Bodrum to Antalya, stating that it was one of the most beautiful and warm regions in Turkey. I was excited to explore this area and experience the natural beauty as well as the even warmer temperatures of this region.

The first beach I visited on the peninsula was beautiful, peaceful, and I did some hiking through the hills surrounding it. One day, a German couple arrived at the beach and we had a lot of conversations about various topics. They were considering moving to Hamburg once they returned to Germany. Talking about Hamburg reminded me of the beauty of this city, where I had lived for the past 14 years. It felt good to be able to help them by recommending places to visit and the best spots for car living. One of them was particularly interested in FPV drone flying. Check out his Instagram, his work is incredible and of very high production value.

I took advantage of the Black Friday deals and purchased a large package of music production tutorials and samples. Before that, I had watched free tutorials on YouTube and read free articles from many music production teachers. I was producing music mostly every day for hours and I felt like I wanted to take my music production to the next level. I was curious about how paid courses were structured and what they could offer me. I thought that it might be possible to make money from my music production at some point in the future. I knew that this step and these thoughts could potentially cause some internal conflicts and affect the joy I felt while making music. But I underestimated the impact it would have and soon, it would escalate into something else…

Istanbul, instruments, sights, food, dates but no dancing (November 2022)

After a short stop at another beach, I went to Istanbul. I can’t say why, but ever since I began my journey, I’ve imagined Istanbul as a kind of gateway to the East. And I’ve always imagined it as a very different city.

And different it was. Vivid, vibrant and colorful as crazy. I found a very good city home spot right next to a small park and the sea. It was a paid parking, but I ended up paying only 7€ for five nights instead of 7€ for each night. There was an old van in the parking lot that looked like it wasn’t going anywhere, and I wondered why no one was removing it. It turned out to be the tea station for this parking and the walk along the seaside next to it. I loved this practical approach.

From this parking, I explored the city. On the first two days, I visited all the music instrument stores in the district Karaköy. There were a lot of them. I had been making music with synthesizers, sequencers and onscreen instruments on my iPad for years and loved it. But for a few months I had been thinking about getting an acoustic instrument. In Varna, I bought a pad controller for finger drumming, but that didn’t feel like the real deal. I thought about all kinds of instruments: didgeridoos, handpans, cajons, flutes, keyboards… I wanted something real. After trying dozens of instruments, I bought a cajon. It’s amazing how different they sound and feel. I ended up with one that I really loved. I also bought a used and discounted 64 pad midi controller and sequencer at a music store. I thought it would be super universal and cool to use. I went to a city park and made my first beats on the Cajon and it felt alien, but natural and awesome. I tried the pad controller and immediately realized it wasn’t going to work for me. I couldn’t see any of its leds in the sunlight. So I went back to the store where I had bought it and the guy there took it back and refunded me the money without hesitation. I was very grateful to him, because that was pure goodwill on his part. After trying many midi keyboards, I bought one, tried it in the evening and found that one key wasn’t working properly. I fell in love with the Cajon even more because it was so simple. Back at the store, they exchanged the keyboard for a perfectly good one. It was really nice to talk to all the guys in the instrument stores about music and the instruments. Is there anything more diverse than music?

The next few days I went sightseeing and saw a lot of the famous stuff. It was beautiful and I learned a lot about Islam, which was very interesting. And I don’t know why, but every time I see an obelisk, I feel a strong connection with it… Maybe I had watched too much 2001: A Space Odyssey. And I liked the bazaars and how lively they were. I bought some lambskin socks and these ones are now my absolute favorite socks when it’s cold.

Since Artha and I had lived on the first beach in Bulgaria, I had a very strong connection to dates combined with nuts and small pieces of fruit. I highly recommend trying that stuff. My aboslute favorite combination: half of a large date with a salted almond and a small piece of apple! It’s the best! Istanbul was the heaven of dates and nuts! I loved it. I got some recommendations for authentic Turkish restaurants from friendly locals and tried them out as well. My absolute favorite was a little restaurant where they made these “pizza-like” things. I don’t remember the name, but they were fantastic!

I felt like going dancing and looked for a cool little club that played house music. I found one that sounded great, but when I went there at night, they wouldn’t let me in because I didn’t have a woman with me. I had never had anything like that happen to me before. Actually, I was super happy that I didn’t need a woman or anyone else to go dancing anymore. That I felt happy and good when I danced alone. Although I understood their intention for such a rule, I didn’t like it. I thought that this club isn’t very welcoming for people who just don’t want to be with women. And since I wasn’t in the mood to meet someone I didn’t know in a bar or other club, I did let go of the dancing for that night.

I drove to the east of Istanbul. There I found another great city parking next to a marina, a park, and a path that went along the sea. I explored the eastern part of Istanbul, which felt very different from the touristy areas around the sights. It felt more authentic and free to me. One day I took a long run along the sea and I had never seen such a long strip of nature in a city with before on which so many people were barbecuing and having fun.

After a week I was fed up with city life. It had been nice, beautiful and interesting, but I felt like I had had enough. And there was something else. I felt lost and disoriented. But at that point there were only whirly thoughts in my head. It did make me feel unhealthy and frustrated.