Category: thoughts and feelings

Hiking myself free

It’s mid of April 2022 and I’ve reached the eastern nipple of the Peleponnese. Most people call them fingers or feet, but I’m preferring nipples. There had been a time, some years ago when I called most things nipple. Maybe it’s a residue of this nipple quirk left in my head…

The last few days, it has been very stormy and today it’s even crazier. I spent the night behind a beach, in a place protected by a big rock formation. In the morning, I took the drive to the Geopark of Agios Nikolaos, and here the wind is even stronger.

This wind is not the only stormy thing I’m dealing with: my mind is very stormy as well. I’ve been not very motivated for the last few days and I’m feeling kind of down for no special reason I know. I’ve been meditating and practicing the acceptance of my state of mind, but in the morning I got an alarming message from Germany about the health situation of one of my close family members. This message added some whirl to the wind in my head and heart. It leaves me like a sailor in the dense fog of life. Standing in the crow’s nest. Thinking and evaluating if my future me might cope with the challenges to come instead of sailing in this particular moment with what is happening now. I’m asking myself questions like “should I go back to Germany?”, “what will happen next?”, “what if…?”, …

In times like these, it’s the best for me to go outside and do something interesting, but not too challenging. In the best case, it’s something beautiful. Something that keeps me going without much potential to be negatively exciting.

The hike from the Geopark to Ekklisia Agios Georgios is exactly that. It’s super beautiful and the narrow path is interesting but easy to do. I’m hiking between the sea and the mountain. The mountain is protecting me from the wind and the whirlwind inside of my head loses his negative and destructive power. The sun of spring is getting me really warm and after an hour, I’m enjoying all this. I’m welcoming and congratulating a big part of me for making it back from the future into the present. It feels very relieving. I’m still not very positive or happy, but that’s fine. I escaped the black hole, that had me in its gravity field.

I think there is a big power in walking. Maybe it’s because that’s what nature made us: awesome walking machines. Especially walking through nature has so much calm, satisfaction and a kind of wisdom in it.

Finding truth about perception and sexualization

It’s the beginning of April 2022 and I’m following the camper of a new very good friend along the Greek countryside. We have left the Hippie Camp and are heading for a more remote and lonely place. We don’t have an exact plan, but after some time we enter a small dirt road to a small chapel on a hill on the Peleponnese in Greece.

The spot is perfect for what we have been looking for: it has space for barely more than two campers and so there won’t be any other people joining us. What is more both of us have a little private area and in between these areas there is a small ruin of a small building whose flat roof is a perfect terrace for hanging out, doing Yoga, Chi Gong and hanging around.

In the morning when my new friend arrived at the Hippie Camp more than a week ago, I had the very strong impression that it was going to be a very interesting and challenging time for me. And I should be proven right. Our first conversation had been about mindfulness, Vipassana, living full time in cars as a nomad, etc. It turned out that she has been living alone in her car for three years and is traveling around like me. At the Hippie Camp, we spent pretty much time together and I learned a lot of new perspectives on topics and more practical things like picking wild food. The time at the Hippie Camp has been great and the time we are spending together alone now is great as well, but there has been and is something else between us.

At the Hippie Camp, I have been feeling not good all the time and partly the reason had been what I let her trigger inside of me. She never intended to trigger or harm me, but it’s been and is like so often in life: people are triggering stuff inside other people. But this time it’s been very different for me, because already at the Camp, I decided to talk about what was going on with me. Our conversations at the camp have been very honest and benevolent and continue to be so in this time we are traveling together alone.

Back at the Hippie Camp, I’ve been feeling like having a crush on her. But at the same time, I felt the deep and true realization that I’ve not been seeing her as the person she is. Of course, she is a wonderful person, but it felt like I’ve been seeing someone different. Like I’ve been projecting something from my mind on her. I found that to be so unfair and mentally abusive, that I wanted to understand it. In addition to this, I started to ask myself what my feelings are based on.

I’m believing that we humans don’t see anything as it is. Instead, each of us is perceiving everything through a very unique lens and that makes up our unique reality. This lens is formed by our mind, memories, the thinking patterns, we have learned, and all the other stuff. Most of the time this is a good thing and it makes living easier, but on the other hand, it can feel like being remotely controlled by my past. I’m aware of that for a long time and regarding many things in my life, I felt the true truth of this.

But when it comes to my perception of other people, I never felt the truth of it like now. Our conversations are helping me a lot and bit by bit much about my past romantic and sexual relationships are becoming clear to me. More and more I’m realizing that especially the women I’ve been in love and relationships with, I did not see as the persons they are. That, for sure, caused a lot of tension in these relationships. And what is more, I’m getting aware of how I’m sexualizing women in common and what a strong impact this has on me. For me, this feels so encroaching and like mental abuse now. And although I’ve been aware of these topics for so long, I only now feel the deep truth of them. I’ve never intended to think, feel or act like this nor did I want to harm someone, but still it’s true and I’m feeling sorry about it. Realizing all of this feels like a huge relief from something that had been controlling me a lot for a long time but breaking loose from these patterns seems to be a neverending process of change.

We are traveling together for some more time and have adventures and conversations that let us learn so much about life from each other. Even though our physical ways have parted, I am happy and grateful that we continue to walk our spiritual paths together.

I think, I wouldn’t risk it again

On that day in March 2022, it was on the edge of what Rosinante and I are capable of on our own.

At that time, I’ve been seeking situations like this. But that has been changed now. I wouldn’t risk damaging Rosinante so hard anymore. Maybe today, I wouldn’t go on that soap-like muddy road. I’m not sure. I think today, saving the money and enabling myself to live this free life for longer, would be more important for me than the kick of a recovery like this. But I don’t regret what happened and every time I remember this day, I have a smile on my face.

On that day passing the ditch Rosinante got stuck in later, has been no problem. But when I was maneuvering for a good position to go for the second one I needed every centimeter I could get on this soap like mud and took just one too many. Without the pretty distant tree as an anchor point, I would have had to dig the whole track or get some help. For the second ditch, there was no anchor point and so I did everything I could to prevent sliding into this one as well. And it worked out 🎉

Thanks @RonnyDahl for your offroad and recovery videos on YouTube, they are really good.

In situations like this, I don’t get mad or crazy but I get excited and kind of under pressure. But for me, it doesn’t feel like there is no hope left. It feels more like being afraid of doing something wrong.

Realizing feelings like that at the moment they occur helps me a lot to enjoy situations like that.