On a stone planet in Croatia and about “feeling driven”

Now I’m on this hill on a Croatian peninsula right next to the Mediterranean Sea looking at the sea, the mountains, the sky and the sun and feeling like on another planet.
The track to get here was really cool and offroady and leed to this wonderful place where I think barely anybody goes.
The sun is shining on the sky is bright. No human made sounds and it’s hard to see anything human made apart from my stuff, Rosinante and myself. Just the sun, the wind and some insects swirling around.

When I continued my journey this morning, I said to myself that at the next beautiful, remote spot I will stay a bit and live the emptiness of this place and pause. Until now the feeling of being less driven is the biggest change of my mind.

It’s difficult to explain what I mean by that. Of course many people know about the benefits to do only one thing at a time, to focus on this thing and being aware of it. And I’m a big fan of this too.
What I mean goes in the same direction but is more about how the perception of the things that I’m doing is changing while I’m doing them.
After some weeks that I spent with less and less obligations and now that my calendar has no entries apart from birthdates it feels like I have more energy to recognise more about myself.

For example I have been optimizing something about the diesel heater of Rosinante the other day. I really enjoy this kind of stuff. I love it. And this is important to get: I find it realy exciting and I enjoy doing it.
After some time I recognized that I was getting faster and kind of impatient. Some how this thing that I love did become more of a burdan then a thing that I enjoy doing. It felt like something else is waiting in some kind of waiting line in my head and tries to get my attention. But I don’t even know what’s on this weird penetrant waiting line and I’m pretty sure that I did not create it. When I started feeling this waiting line suddenly my mind seemed to come up with all sorts of things and put them all on it’s crazy waiting line.
At those moments I started to feel driven in the past and this could lead to a growing feeling of indisposition and stress. Now this happens only rarely. Most of the time when I’m recognizing the growing waiting line, I stop doing what I’m doing and enter something like a inner monologue.
Why I’m going faster? Why is the perception of what I’m doing changing? Why am I enjoying my current activity less and less? Does this has to happen?

In the past weeks I experienced many many of these moments disregarding what I was doing. And I still don’t know why this happens and to be honest: It’s not important to me that I’m understanding why this happens. I’m grateful that I seem to have learned being aware of myself, my mind and the rest of me over the last years and I’m grateful about this new life and what it will trigger in me.
And when I recognize that I enjoy the thing that I’m doing less and that I start to go faster and something inside of me makes up a waiting line I stop and pause. After a brief moment it feels different again: the enjoyment is back. And if it’s not, I do something different or pause longer.

In my believing all of this is applicable to many, many small things I’m doing and what is more, for the big things in my life, too.

For me this process of recognising and changing my mind is absolutely awesome and one of the best things I learned in my life.

One could say: for you having no appointments etc right now it’s easy to do it this way but if you have a thousand things to do: work, family, friends, household, illness, Covid, money… then it’s not easy. And I think that’s right. Then it’s not that easy. BUT it’s still possible, I’m sure.