Nearly starving after eating the junkies, city life, and romantic ego love (October 2022)

On the last day of Artha’s and my trip to the south of Bulgaria, I had my first encounter with the junkie fruit. These are small, plum-like fruits and they were growing everywhere. What made them a real junkie fruit for me, is that their taste and color were varying all the way. On one tree, they tasted like plums, on another like apricot, on another like peach, and so on. It never stopped. We tried all of them! It was super delicious and like the best candy on earth. Maybe I just ate a little too much of them. Maybe something like fifty too much…

On our last night in the mountains, I started vomiting and having diarrhea. I felt so weak so fast like I had never before. I tried to rest and recover but it did not help. I felt weaker and weaker. We had to go back to Varna because Artha’s brother was about to arrive in Bulgaria after a long time and so Artha drove Rosinante. In Varna, I went to Artha’s flat because I felt so weak and the vomiting and shitting just did not stop. After two days I felt so weak like I did never before. All my body openings were throwing out the juice and/ or the skin of the junkie fruits. I could not eat or drink and on the fourth day, I felt like fading away. Artha and I thought about at which point I should go to a hospital. I’ve been pretty skinny all my life. At that point, I looked like a starving person. All my tendons, muscles, and bones were visible through my skin.

Right at the point where I thought, I could not go any further, my body started to recover. Not all the water I was drinking went straight out of me again. I was so grateful for this. One of the first things I ate, was potato smash. I’ve never been a big fan of it, but that experience let me start loving it. After some days, I felt very much better and although I never had rejected to that ill, I learnt to appreciate it. It felt like a deep and healthy cleaning.

The next five weeks, I spent in Varna and the big beach Artha and I found when we were traveling. Starting this more stationary life was crazy. Artha and I had the time of our lives while on our small journey. Then the junkie fruit incident happened and had a huge impact on my health situation and of course, it had an impact on her as well. At the same time, we moved into the city and lived together in her flat and her brother arrived in Bulgaria after a long time. Artha was thinking about starting to travel or doing something else for a long time. A lot of things were changing and coming together. Like all the time, everything was changing.

For me, this new life felt good. I loved the time I spent with Artha, her friends, and her family and I enjoyed the time on my own in the city. I did a lot of music and got myself a midi pad controller for finger drumming. Varna was a beautiful city with a big beach and a big park right next to the beach between the city and the beach.

We went to a crazy techno party, to different beaches around Varna, visited a couple of restaurants, had beautiful walks along the sea and in the park, and just lived the city life. I started to get used to it and was thinking about getting an BMX to jump and manual around the city.

It felt good to me. But still, the city life was very different from the life in nature during my traveling. Although I was living partly in Varna and partly on that big beach in nature, I felt like I was missing nature. I think at that point I was not sure about it, but as I’m writing this, I’m very sure. I felt torn apart. On the one hand, there was Artha, our love, the city life, and on the other was what was calling me from deep, deep inside of me: living in nature and traveling.

Back in October, a part of me did not want to admit that I still was feeling this calling of nature and traveling. But more the life in nature than the traveling. My love for Artha was so strong that I felt like I would do a lot just to be close to her. And this love, which made me feel like this, was not the unconditional, but the romantic ego love. The romantic ego love that does not like changes. The one that wants to stick with what feeds her. The one that wants to be satisfied by another person. It let me feel complete but at a cost. This love was coming up with all sorts of thoughts and dreams: maybe Artha and I could travel together, maybe we could spend the winter together in the mountains, maybe we could do just something together. Forever. At the same time, I was feeling and thinking this, I felt this strong connection and unconditional love for her as well. It was like a multi-dimensional love.

And then there was the triggering between Artha and me…